April 20th, 2004 was the last time I had written anything. I had just been asked to leave a job working in a grocery store (because I didn't have the same religious beliefs my boss did) and was looking for work. While I was working at the grocery store... this old man came through with his son and daughter. The man's son did something to upset him and he pushed the cart into a pie crust display... which I had to clean up. Nothing was said to them about the situation, but I never would've believed you if you would've told me that the old man would be my child's grandfather.

But anyways, I later got a job working at Wendy's. One night the same 3 people came into the restaurant - I asked the son what he had done... but he couldn't even remember - he just remembered knocking over the display. He asked me out that night before he left - but I was already spoken for. Being the stubborn guy he is - he desided to get a job there, and he was there for me later when I ended up getting dumped.

We now have to wonderful sons together - one's 13 months old and the other's 4 weeks old. He stayed in the picture until I was 3 months pregnant with our first son. His divorce was finalize and month after our son was born. He moved in shortly after... and when I was 7 months pregnant with our second son - he left again, but this time it wasn't to go back to his wife and two other children. It took me a little while to realize that my life really is better off without him in the picture. But my heart just can't let go of all that love.

How life can change soo much in just two years. I see some people going to foreign countries... some getting married... some going off to war... which would all be great experience. But I wouldn't give up being a single mother for anything in the world. When you're married to someone... or atleast taking care of the children together - yeah, there's two of you... but you end up arguing a lot about how you want your children to be raised. And my children and myself - will be a lot happier without their father in the picture.

He left almost 2 months ago - you know, before I had the baby... and before our son's first birthday - and he still hasn't picked up the phone to see how they are doing. It would be one thing if he just didn't want a life with me anymore... I just don't get how people can create children and then just walk away. And yet - he has still managed to get online and post poems of his love and misery without me in his life when he was the one to get up and walk away.

Life just so much different then it used to be... and in such a short period of time.

But when I think of all the things that I've done in the last 5 years... and the things that friends around me have done and will be doing... it brings saddness in my heart.

My love for Dustie will always remain - I just wish she could've had some part of these last 5 years - to do whatever it was she was meant to.

Well, life's great - I've got a job now that is the easiest job in the world and I work with some cool people! On top of that I have two other places both offering me full time positions, ASAP! I'm learning to enjoy the single life. Well, not learning but getting comfortable with. I received an email from an exboyfriend the other day and I told him that all the love that I ever had for him went to hell and that's where it needs to stay. Serves him right sending me the discription of my kidnapping! Evil demented ways and I need them in my life, not!

It might just be the fact that being a single female rocks, in which being a single male might not be so cool. While males are dishing out money on these women... the women are sitting back and enjoying it! Going out a couple of nights a week with different guy friends ROCK! There's no commitement - no physical relationships... while having an awesome friendship that might flower into a beautiful relationship and a wonderful relationship. It provides an oppurtunity for learning the other person's trigger and learning their quarks... all without getting too envolved. The woman has all sorts of emotion invested ... and the man has all sorts of money.

Well - I'm over emotional - and loving hanging out with friends who have potential!!!  Oh, and I'm going to get to see my BF  and spend a weekend with her!! I'm so happy!

Well, my best friend's graduation is coming up. Well, actually it's like everyone of my friends' graduation... and should be mine... but anyways! I'll be staying with her the entire extent of graduation weekend due to Saturday night being her graduation party. This girl is a sister to me. I love her parents and her little sister as my own blood. A couple of years ago her brother came into the picture(and I don't mean a baby). It was followed by a lot of harsh words and tense situations. One of the instances involves me calling her mom "Mom". He snapped at me that she wasn't my mother and I didn't need to call her so. That only lead to my friend snapping at him that I've been around longer than he has. The last family party I went to, there was  a bit of drinking. He gave his sister a birthday kiss and the family made joke about him kissing me and he did. At first I was okay, until he attempted it again, and then we talked. 

We went through the whole feelings thing, and the time has just never been right for getting to know each other - considering I do live an hour away and work at nights. But I will be under the same roof for an entire weekend. And the thought of it has put butterflies into my stomach. The last time I went by the house lil sis said he was mad at me because he thought I had come by to see her and not him. So, we had a talk and I told him that I didn't want to approach him or crowd him because I was afraid the other night was just the alcohol talking. The night ended with a hug... and then he kissed me on the cheek.

Mom and Dad have given their blessing as long as if it doesn't work out that I don't forget about them trying to avoid him.  Lil Sis loves it! She thinks it so wonderful. I think in her mind it seals the deal as of sisterhood. But my bestfriend doesn't like talking about it. Doesn't seem happy about it. I'm crazy about him and the family. I know she has a right to worry. I'm her best friend and she knows my every little secret... and it's her kid brother. Her brother and I have already discussed at not rushing into anything... getting to know each other as more than my best friend's kid brother... and being more than his older sister's best friend. I just wonder about her. I don't want to hurt her or mess anything up.

I'm stark crazy about him - and - she's closer to me than the sister I have.  I just don't know what to do about it. 

FEEL FREE TO COMMENT!!!

Okay,  so - I got this job! And when I say it this time I actually mean that I  got the job - I went in and clocked in got a job! Really, really this time! The manager starts showing  me around this restaurant that had 4 other girls and 2 male employees. He introduces me to the girl who would be training me, and I wanted to drop on my knees and scream "why me god, why me!". The chick whose training me - Is the chick who I caught sleeping with my ex-boyfriend - back 3 weeks  when he was still my boyfriend.

Now, That's my luck!